Saturday, October 27, 2012

The Blues and Other Colors

If you think you have defeated the negative voices in your head, think again. To be an artist or to chase any dream often means that you have to fight that battle over and over again, day after day, moment by moment.

This is my way of saying that to spite all my fiery talk of courage and expressing myself and listening more to my muse, I still have days where the blues of self doubt find me. 

This past Wednesday was such a day.  For some inexplicable reason that was the day when I decided everything I have done, was thinking of doing or will ever do was not good enough. I stood in my studio and tried to will myself to create but my critical mind shot down every idea I had before I could even begin to pursue it.

I was just about to give up and go do the dishes or something when I noticed my inner child standing in the corner looking sad.

“Hi sweetie,” I said, happy to see her. “What's wrong?”

“I'm bored.” She replied quietly. “Will you play with me?”

“Sure.” I answered. “What do you want to do?”

She walked over to my desk and picked up the quart of lime green paint that was lying there.

“Can we play with this?”

I hesitated. I had bought that paint with the initial plan of using it to paint the interior of my studio door but then I began to have second thoughts, such as, “Do I really want to add more lime green to a studio that already looks like a child's bedroom?”, “Won't I get sick of that color eventually?” And the ever popular, “How will this effect the resale value of my home?”

“Please.” The much younger version of myself added politely.

Oh, what the hell. “Okay,” I finally relented. So we put on an Elvis CD and got to work.

The glowing green door
5 coats of paint and a day later, little Vicki and I stepped back from our glowing green door and gave each other a high five.

“It's awesome!” She said and I couldn't help but agree.

Then she gave me a hug and said, “Thank you soooo much. I had sooo much fun!” before skipping away into thin air.

Long after she was gone I still had a smile on my face and I was once again proud of my creations and inspired to create more. My inner child had reminded me that I don't do what I do to impress or prove anything to anyone but because it's fun and I love doing it. I love shapes and lines and color. I love canvas and paper and wood. I love paintbrushes, pencils, markers and crayons. I love paint! I especially love lime green paint and every time I look at my lime green door I am going to remember all of this again.

You can see why my inner child might feel at home in my studio. 

So maybe a lime green door isn't good for the resale value of my home (I'm not moving any time soon anyway) but it is good for fighting the self doubting blues and, for that ongoing battle, I need all the weapons I can get!

Rainbows In Progress iPhone 4 Case
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  1. It's taken me a long time to discover, as you have, that wonderful things happen when we let out Inner Child out to play!

    I've just treated myself to some Watersoluble Crayons and they are great for rediscovering that essential playfulness - they even look as if they were intended for small children!

    1. Thanks for reading and for your comment Judy. I have seen people use those crayons for face painting and they look wonderful. I guess artists never really grow up, we just get better toys! :)